Your nest is empty. You have released your offspring into the world. Good job mom and dad, your work is done.
Or is it?
The American Psychological Association describes the purpose of raising children as follows,
“Parenting practices around the world share three major goals: ensuring children’s health and safety, preparing children for life as productive adults, and transmitting cultural values. A high-quality parent-child relationship is critical for healthy development.”
Parents have always performed these monumental tasks. Different parenting philosophies have come and gone, but bottom line, parents have done their best to raise healthy, well adjusted, and productive adults.
Today, preparing a child for independence in an increasingly complex world is challenging. A parent must keep tabs on social media access, pay attention to what they’re learning in school, supervise homework, handle issues that come up, and they will come up, and arrange for appropriate extra-curricular activities, to name a few tasks. Raising children is a tremendous responsibility and for many it’s a full-time job.
After two to three decades of doing the work of loving, investing in, disciplining, and praying for your children, it might feel like retirement when they leave the nest. To make matters worse, retiring from a career and retiring from parenting may occur at roughly the same time and may hit you with a double whammy of grief over your empty nest and confusion over what to do in the next stage of life.
Your life may feel like an idling car. Going nowhere. You’re not sure how to put the car in gear and hit the gas without going to work or driving a child somewhere.
A Wall Street Journal article by Tara Weiss, When Junior Heads to College, Helicopter Parents Turn to Empty-Nest Coaches, reports of empty-nest coaches assisting parents who wonder what to do with themselves when their kids are out of the house. One coach said that some parents are focused on their children’s growth and development “to a point where they have no idea who they are. Their whole identity is their kids.”
The empty nest is a massive change and change always requires an adjustment. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen overnight. When my oldest went to college, I couldn’t go into her room for weeks for fear of crying off my mascara. I was years away from an actual empty nest, but it was the first of several phases of emptying. We still had two at home, but it was the first step, and it was difficult.
We love our children deeply, and when they’re not in our homes anymore, when they’re out pursuing their futures, we’re happy for them, pray for them, and miss them profoundly. I miss the days of noisy kids, sleepovers, schlepping children to lacrosse practice, oboe lessons, and volleyball games. Those were busy and wonderful years, but they are behind me.
It’s not easy to recognize that important and meaningful parts of our lives are coming to an end. Raising children and developing a career are both time consuming, difficult, and rewarding accomplishments. Remember the funny, memorable, crazy, and significant moments of parenting. Recall your successes on the job, how you overcame challenges, how you grew. Enjoy your memories. They are yours to keep.
And then look ahead to new blessings.
Our three children are all married, we love their spouses, and they are having their own families. Retirement gives us more time to invest in our growing family.
We can and should retire from parenting responsibility, but we should never retire from relationship with our children.
Proverbs 31 describes a “wife of noble character,” and she is described as a wise, intelligent, productive, and benevolent businesswoman. The only mention of children in this chapter is this phrase: “Her children arise and call her blessed…” (v. 28) Yes, we have a job to do as parents, but perhaps the most important aspect is to model the work of an honest, kind, wise, and productive parent in their sight.
We will always be our children’s parents, we will always love and support them, but by definition, there will come a day when our children don’t need us to manage their lives. When we adequately prepare our children for independence, they will leave. Hopefully, when they arise to adulthood, perhaps after some growing pains and relational difficulties, they will indeed call their parents blessed.
A strong and healthy relationship will last a lifetime; never retire from that aspect of parenting.
How has the empty nest been felt in your life? Did it feel like retirement?
Ooo, I love that sentence: "We can and should retire from parenting responsibility, but we should never retire from relationship with our children." One to keep in my back pocket! Or maybe my front pocket.