Intentional Relationship Building

In late adulthood

Relationships come and go. In late adulthood, however, it’s important to be intentional about keeping friendships strong, staying in touch with people who are no longer in proximity, and inviting new relationships into your life.

Twenty years ago, many of our friends were the parents of our children’s friends, as we bumped into them in the neighborhood, sporting events, school open houses, and carpools. We were often in the same vicinity, got to know each other, and became friends. It was natural.

We enjoyed those relationships, but when our kids went to college and disconnected from some of their friends, many of those relationships didn’t last. It happens. We are still close with many, and I follow others on social media.

In late adulthood, intentionality is required preserve and develop important friendships.

Intentionally keep current relationships strong

There is something unique about each one of my friends that I appreciate, teaches me something, and/or makes me laugh. I had imagined that in late adulthood there would be more freedom to get together with friends, but I’m finding that it is just as difficult, if not more so, than when we were younger. As our families grow, so do our time commitment with family members. Many of us travel more often, which makes finding an agreeable date more difficult, and we all have a variety of commitments.

An article in The Atlantic, “The Easiest Way to Keep Your Friends” by Serena Dai describes the situation as follows,

I realized that we’d fallen into a trap: the exhausting tangle of calendar gymnastics that plagues many adult friendships. Busy with everything else, we hadn’t spent quality time together in months.

This seems to be an issue for all adults, not just those of us in late adulthood. She recommends scheduling time with good friends once every month or two. It makes sense, for proximity is important.

My husband and I are in a neighborhood small group that has been meeting twice a month for 20+ years, and we have all become very good friends. We also play cards - mostly socialize - with a different group of neighbors once a month and without that commitment we’d rarely see these delightful friends.

A good college friend of mine and her husband put on five Paella nights every summer.

My friend’s husband’s yummy Paella.

What is a Paella night, you ask? It’s brilliant.

They set the dates, send an invite to 40-60 people, and accept reservations on a first come first serve basis. Their friends have to be quick about replying for when a date fills up - eight attendees plus the hosts - they’re out of luck. Sometimes the attendees know each other and other times it’s a random assortment of folks who didn’t know each other well before the gathering. No matter, the Paella is delicious, and everyone has a good time.

This takes forethought, planning, intentionality, and it involves work, but it’s worth it.

Intentionally stay in touch

If only I had enough time and emotional energy to maintain a close relationship with every friend that has come into my life. It’s not possible. For one reason or another many are no longer in proximity, some have moved to be close to grandchildren or to warmer climates and others have taken their lives in different directions.

But I would like to keep in touch with those who are nearby. Once again, it requires intentionality.

My friend Ken Schuette mentioned that he reaches out to friends or former coworkers once a month or so to meet for coffee or lunch. Another brilliant idea, I thought. That was months ago, and I’ve followed his advice a few times. I’m always glad I did, and I wonder why I don’t intentionally connect with friends more often.

Be open to new relationships

Common interests are one of the best ways to develop new relationships, and late adulthood is a good time to explore new activities or interests.

When pondering what you’d like to do with your free time, factor in relational potential. What hobbies might you like to pursue? Could you join a group or class in which you would meet like-minded folks? Perhaps a part-time job doing something you’re interested in would put you in contact with similarly intrigued people.

A year ago, I went through The Artists Way with a group of writers, and one of the recommendations was to do something that was not connected to writing to spark creativity. For example, taking a painting, knitting, or cooking class might be good opportunities.

My interests - reading, writing, hiking, studying, pondering - have become more solitary in late adulthood. So, taking a knitting class, which I have thought about, is not high on my priority list.

Perhaps it should be.

Start with intentionality and take action

Intentionality is good place to start in all of these areas, but by itself it isn’t enough. I may have good intentions, but if I don’t act on them, they are useless.

I arranged to have lunch with a good friend with whom I’m no longer in proximity recently, and we caught up with each other, talked for over two hours, laughed, and it was a blessing. Once again, I asked myself why I don’t do that more often.

(I’m still not sure about a knitting class. One step at a time.)

Relationships have always been important to me, but day to day life sometimes gets in the way of keeping them strong, staying in touch, and developing new friendships. It is my intention to carve out time in my schedule to breathe fresh air into existing relationships and be open to new ones. Ask me in about a month if I’ve taken action.

How do you preserve existing relationships? Do you find it difficult to establish new friendships in late adulthood?

Photo credit: Jacob Wackerhausen.jpg